Mickey Mousetrap — Mike Boudet

“OK, Boomer... Here we are.

It’s time to accept your old-ass fate and die off so us millennials can take over. It’s our time. Yours is up.”

Maybe they’re right? Hear me out…

The Coronavirus (otherwise known as Wuhan Flu or Covid-19 depending on how far extreme of the insane political spectrum you’ve migrated to, and despite the fact people in Wuhan still call it Wuhan Flu) has “done shooketh” the world. Is “shooketh” still a thing? I’m not even sure if that’s still a thing…

Now us old-ass Boomers are in a bit of a pickle, aren’t we? Many countries are shutting borders completely or quarantining anyone coming in and out for weeks, before being allowed to pass. Major sporting events are being conducted without spectators. Major festivals are being canceled… SXSW, Houston Rodeo, Coechella, Ultra, WMC… Mardi Gras in New Orleans is probably next... Not that any of us Boomers would ever go to any of these things. My old ass is also told that Pearl Jam, Green Day and Carlos Santana have all canceled parts of their world tours. But… much more importantly… you can’t even find a fucking roll of toilet paper at Kroger.

Oh dear… a pickle indeed!

What’s most interesting about this social experiment (otherwise now officially known as a Pandemic) is that many places have not yet taken the hint and done the right thing…

(Cough) Disney World. (Cough Cough)

Oh, I’m sorry… Must be seasonal allergies. Where was I? Oh yes…

There are numerous schools and universities being closed throughout the country and the world. Italy, which two months ago was tripping over itself virtue signaling about how we should be nice to sick Asians, is now in full-blown panic mode. They’ve shut down all schools and completely quarantined the entire country of 60 million people. There are 10,149 confirmed infected and 631 dead (as of the time of this writing.)

Iran is completely screwed. South Korea is scrambling to contain the outbreak after a literal religious cult conspired to intentionally spread the disease internationally to bring upon the Apocalypse. Not kidding. This actually happened.

Cruise ships are human petri dishes swaying to-and-fro as more and more Boomers (who happen to be their target customer) die off in their quarantined 300-square-foot staterooms. Floating cubicles of death.

Yet somehow, certain recreational theme parks are still open here in the U.S. Parks that host 53,000 people each day, many of which have travelled from International locations (and also been exposed to an International Airport, full of other travelers, with a virus that can reportedly live on some surfaces for up to two weeks.)

Oh, and let’s not forget that Disney has another three parks, all open, all just a monorail ride away. One carrier could visit all four parks in one day with a Super Pass (they now call it a Disney Premier Passport actually. How Cosmopolitan of them) and infect multitudes of travelers, each of which will carry the virus to their respective countries, cities and home towns.

Universal is just as culpable. In fact, all of Orlando should just shut down for a bit. I have bets going on which publicly-traded corporation will put greed aside and do the right thing first… Disney or Universal. Anyone wanna place a wager?

Yes, I understand that a lot of employees who work at these parks will be out of work, but shouldn’t publicly safety be more important than a $10/hour job right now selling lukewarm peanuts? Clearly this is a complex issue with lots of moving pieces and I won’t pretend to have the answer that will satisfy all. Surely some of you will be outright angry by what I’m suggesting and resort to personal attacks and name-calling. But when did we lose our moral compass so badly that “I want to go to work and sell Mickey Ice Cream Bars even though it may kill Grandpa” is a valid and sustainable argument?

That Disney +PLUS investment must have been substantial, and although Baby Yoda is indeed adorable, wasting all that money on WOKE Star Wars sequels had to hurt the bottom line a bit. I can’t imagine why a company would put its own customers at risk solely for profit …oh yeah, there’s the cigarette industry. Forgot about that.

Well, I don’t want to die in the Magic Castle. The “happiest place on earth” is quickly transforming into the deadliest place on earth. It is a disaster waiting to happen, full of disease spreading children that constantly put their hands in their mouths and then on every surface within arm’s reach, and old people that are almost certainly killed off by this vicious and horrible disease. Sprinkle in a little international traveler flavor and this easily becomes Ground Zero for the spread of a virus that could kill off up to 10% of the world’s population. I guess that solves Global Warming and Social Security, eh?

As a native Floridian, I say FUCK THE ECONOMY. Get your head out of your Mickey Mouse Ass and close your parks before you start spreading the impending Boomer death all over the world and fully transform the Sunshine State into the Sundowner State.

Do the right thing, Disney.

My mom lives in Florida. She’s in the 60% fatality age group. Do the right thing, Disney. Don’t kill my mom.